ADDICTION

It's an addiction she said. You will never have children and never know the love I feel, you will get aids and die, you can never be happy. You are going to kill your father, you are selfish and don't even care how your choices affect others. She said all these things and more. She also told him how much she loved him and how she was sure Robert was a good person. She told him that her love for him was unconditional.

He remembered every play she attended, every recital she sat through and rehearsal she drove him to. He did not question her love, in fact he reciprocated all of that, when he told her about the engagement the pain it brought her brought him more pain than anyone could imagine. The knowledge that he would never find joy without bringing her pain was too much for him. He wished he was five years old and believed in god again.

Think happy thoughts

When I was four I used to wear out the tape of three different video cassettes, The first was Mary Poppins, the second was Peter Pan and the third was Hook. The amount I would watch these movies was to my fathers chagrin. We had the entire disney collection up to that point and my mother, was constantly adding to it. For whatever reason though my energy was fixated on those three films. I too wanted to fly, I wanted to soar and it was no mistake that all three films featured a true free spirit who comes in to change and free those around them. Mary Poppins was an angel thats what I believed, she came to free the Banks children from the box that was stifling their childhood. Peter was the same he was also a figure who existed to deliver childhood to children being raised without it. In Hook it is Neverland that teaches Peter Banning to stop and see wonder in his life again.

    My father wanting me to stop driving him crazy with these films one day sat me down. He was Greek, and still is. When he speaks his words are spare and to the point. I clearly did not get this characteristic. He sat me down and with his thick accent said.

Kosta
Peter Pan and Mary Poppins are no real,
It is pretend, his name is Robin Williams and her name is Julia.... it does no matter.
They is no real, it is called acting they are pretending

I was crushed, and then my little four year old brain started to spin and I realized something, I too could never grow up, I could be an actor. My mind never wavered on the concept.

Peterborough, Ontario was a fascinating place to be a young actor. Every suburban inch of it. Peterborough was founded by the Algonquin and Missisauga Nations but its white history came when politician Peter Robinson from York(Toronto) formed an ambitious plan to bring poor Irish workers in from Britain to work the land in Peterborough. It has remained very Irish, very protestant and very blue collar. I grew up smelling the oats baking at the Quaker factory and hearing people at my parents restaurant, at the time a Pizzeria complain about paying union dues. I saw this simple Norman Rockwell town of at the time 64000 its now at nearly 90 as a place Peter Pan would come take you away from so you could see what existed beyond it.

Peter never came, but that just made me improvise, I asked my Aunt  Jaqueline who was the best seamstress I knew to make me a Peter Pan costume. She made me a hunter green felt tunic and bought a pair of green ballet tights. I was in heaven. I would put the costume on and tell my family that Kosta had gone to never land and I was here in his place. And I did I went to Neverland, I met the lost boys, I had friends and adventures with other kids and it didnt matter that in my real life I was in Peterborough.

The garden

As the bus approaches the grounds on which I grew
The garden in which I spawned
Before I shed the roots
I suddenly have a realization
A knowledge
An awakening
I see that my roots simply grew longer
I know that I will now be forced to answer
For a life lived in a way that fulfills me
I will be made to feel guilt for my happiness
They ask me why I return so rarely

She

She was free
Free of her generation
Free of preconceptions
Free of convention
She dressed in gowns and sheared her hair
She never assumed a person was straight
She never assumed an individual with an Adams apple was male
Or one with breasts female
She left it to them to tell her what they were
The only thing she found intolerable was intolerance.

Value

I used to feel value
As though I somehow had something to offer
Someone
Equating value with money
Leaves me in the bargain bin
I am the marked down item no one needs for free
Worse still I am a leach sucking the blood out of those
Who give value to my dreams
I am a nothing carrying nothing
A burden never asked for
Sitting on a park step
Dreaming of the day I'll deserve
The time to dream
The man who loves me
And all the oppurtunities my parents gave me

If your right handed use your left